JurnalPost.com - Have you ever felt unloved simply because your partner rarely says romantic things? Yet, almost every day, they make sure you have eaten, are willing to drive you anywhere, or help you finish your work without being asked.
Conversely, some people feel deeply appreciated when they hear simple sentences like, “I am proud of you,” but feel ignored when their partner is more focused on their phone while they are together.
Situations like this are quite common in romantic relationships. Two people may have feelings of equal intensity, but they show affection in different ways. As a result, the attention that has actually been given is not always received or interpreted as expected.
This issue becomes even more interesting when linked to the cultural diversity in Indonesia. Every individual grows up with family habits, social values, and experiences that are not always the same. These factors help shape how a person understands love and expresses their feelings.
The concept of love language popularized by Gary Chapman is often used to explain these differences. However, does everyone really have only one dominant love language? And how much does culture influence the way someone gives and receives affection?
Understanding the Five Love Languages in Relationships
Gary Chapman introduced five widely known forms of love language, namely words of affirmation , quality time , receiving gifts , acts of service , and physical touch .
These five forms describe the various ways a person expresses and experiences affection.
For some, simple expressions like “Thank you for trying” or “I am happy to have you” can provide a sense of being valued. Meanwhile, others may feel love more through concrete actions, such as when a partner helps with chores, provides support when facing difficulties, or pays attention to daily needs.
There are also individuals who consider togetherness to be the most meaningful form of attention. They do not always need expensive gifts, but rather the presence of a partner who is truly focused on listening and spending time together without distractions.
The popularity of the love language concept is inseparable from its ease of understanding. Through this concept, a person can begin to recognize their emotional needs while learning to understand their partner's expectations.
However, love language is not a fully scientifically proven theory.
Impett, Park, and Muise (2024), through a critical review of research on love languages, found that scientific evidence does not provide strong support for the three main assumptions in Chapman's concept.
These three assumptions are that everyone has one primary love language, that love languages consist of only five categories, and that couples with matching love languages automatically have more satisfying relationships.
These findings suggest that love languages should not be treated as absolute rules in a relationship. The concept is more useful when used as a tool to understand emotional needs and open communication between partners.
Why Can Cultural Differences Cause Misunderstandings?
The way a person shows love is not formed in a vacuum. Family environment, communication habits, childhood experiences, and cultural values can influence how someone understands attention and emotional closeness.
In the study of multicultural psychology, culture plays a role in shaping behavior as well as how individuals interpret the actions of others.
This means that two people can receive the same form of attention but assign different meanings to it.
Markus and Kitayama (1991) explain the concepts of independent and interdependent selves in understanding the relationship between individuals and their social environment.
Individuals with a more independent self-orientation tend to emphasize personal expression, autonomy, and uniqueness. Meanwhile, an interdependent orientation places social relationships, shared responsibilities, and harmony as important parts of life.
These differences in orientation can help explain why some people feel comfortable expressing love directly, while others are more accustomed to showing affection through actions.
For example, someone raised in an emotionally open family might be used to hearing expressions of love and praise. When in a relationship, they expect their partner to show attention through similar verbal communication.
However, their partner might come from a family that rarely expresses feelings through words. In their family, affection is more often shown by helping with work, fulfilling family members' needs, or providing support when facing problems.
When the two enter a relationship, these differences have the potential to cause misunderstandings.
The first party feels unloved because they rarely receive expressions of affection. Conversely, the second party feels their efforts are unappreciated, even though they have tried to show attention through various actions.
In reality, the problem is not necessarily a lack of love. They may simply have different habits in expressing and interpreting affection.
It is important to understand that differences in cultural orientation do not mean that all individuals from a certain cultural group will have the same behavior. Every person still has unique experiences, character, and emotional needs.
When Ways of Loving Are Not Understood by a Partner
Misunderstandings in relationships often arise not because someone is not giving attention, but because that attention does not match their partner's expectations.
A person may feel they have done many things for the happiness of their loved one. However, when that form of attention is not recognized, they can feel disappointed and unappreciated.
On the other hand, a partner with different emotional needs can experience similar feelings. They may feel lonely or neglected, even though their partner feels they have tried as hard as possible.
If this condition continues without good communication, both can get trapped in a cycle of recurring misunderstandings.
One party feels unloved, while the other feels all their efforts are in vain. These feelings have the potential to develop into conflicts that could actually be avoided through open communication.
The multicultural psychology perspective invites individuals to understand that a person's behavior cannot be separated from the experiences and environment in which they were raised.
However, understanding a partner's cultural background does not mean having to ignore one's own emotional needs.
A healthy relationship still requires two-way communication, a willingness to listen, and the ability to adjust how attention is shown so that it can be understood by both parties.
Love Languages Are Not the Sole Determinant of Relationship Harmony
Although the love language concept is quite popular, matching love languages does not automatically guarantee the success of a relationship.
Research by Flicker and Sancier-Barbosa (2025) tested whether satisfaction with a partner's behavior that matches one's primary love language is a stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction compared to other forms of love language.
The results of the study did not support the hypothesis that matching a primary love language has the advantages predicted in Chapman's theory.
These findings indicate that relationship quality cannot be explained solely through the similarity or compatibility of love languages.
In practice, relationships also require mutual trust, appreciation, responsibility, healthy communication, and the ability to face and resolve conflicts.
One does not have to have the same love language as their partner to build a harmonious relationship.
What is more important is the willingness of both parties to understand each other's emotional needs and find ways to express affection that can be mutually accepted.
Furthermore, the love language concept should not be used as an excuse to justify behavior that hurts a partner. Differences in how affection is shown must still be accompanied by respect for feelings, consent, and personal boundaries.
Learning to Appreciate Differences in Showing Affection
So, how do you handle differences in love languages without making them a source of conflict?
The first step is to build a habit of asking rather than assuming. When feeling neglected, one can try to express their feelings openly.
Simple questions like, “What makes you feel most loved?” or “How can I show the attention you need?” can help open up more meaningful conversations.
The next step is to understand the partner's family and cultural background. Recognizing communication habits in their family can provide insight into why someone is more comfortable showing affection through actions rather than words, or vice versa.
In addition, partners do not need to limit the expression of affection to one specific form.
Providing verbal appreciation, spending time together, offering concrete help, giving meaningful gifts, and showing physical closeness based on mutual consent are forms of attention that can complement each other.
Equally important is maintaining an equal relationship. Every individual has the right to express emotional needs, set boundaries, and receive appreciation from their partner.
Cultural differences should be an opportunity to learn from each other, not an excuse to ignore the feelings of one party.
Loving Means Being Willing to Understand Differences
Ultimately, love does not always appear through romantic expressions, gifts, or grand gestures. Sometimes, affection is seen through simple things done consistently in daily life.
The love language concept can help someone recognize various forms of attention. However, the concept is not a universal formula capable of explaining all human relationship dynamics.
The multicultural psychology perspective provides an understanding that the way a person loves is influenced by various factors, ranging from personal experience, parenting patterns, family habits, to cultural values that develop in their social environment.
Therefore, building a healthy relationship does not always mean finding a partner with the same love language.
Relationships can actually grow when both parties are willing to listen, understand each other's experiences, and adjust how they show attention without having to lose their own identity.
In the midst of an Indonesian society rich in cultural diversity, the ability to understand differences becomes an important part of building mutually respectful relationships.
Because loving is not just about finding someone who expresses affection in the same way. Loving also means having the willingness to learn, understand, and appreciate how others show their feelings.
References
Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts (Rev. ed.). Northfield Publishing.
Flicker, S. M., & Sancier-Barbosa, F. (2025). Testing the predictions of Chapman's five love languages theory: Does speaking a partner's primary love language predict relationship quality? Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 51(1), e12747. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12747
Impett, E. A., Park, H. G., & Muise, A. (2024). Popular psychology through a scientific lens: Evaluating love languages from a relationship science perspective. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 33(2), 123–130. https://doi.org/10.1177/09637214231217663
Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1991). Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion, and motivation. Psychological Review, 98(2), 224–253. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.98.2.224
Comments 0
Write a Comment Share your response