Favoritism in the Family: When 'Fair' and 'Equal' Are Not the Same

Two Different Realities

In a family, two realities can exist simultaneously. Parents may feel they have tried to be fair by providing for each child according to their specific needs. Yet, at the same time, one child may grow up feeling that they always receive less than their siblings.

Both feelings can be equally real.

The difference lies in how fairness is perceived. Parents tend to use the logic of equity, which means providing based on need. Meanwhile, children often view it through the principle of equality, assuming that being fair means everyone receives the exact same treatment.

It is from this difference in perspective that the perception of "favoritism" in the family often arises.

The Parental Perspective: Providing According to Need

For many parents, treating all children exactly the same is not necessarily considered fair. This is because every child has different needs, circumstances, and life stages.

A child who is frequently ill, for example, certainly requires higher healthcare costs. A child in college may still need financial support compared to a sibling who is already working. Similarly, a child facing emotional challenges may require more time and attention from their parents.

In family psychology, this is known as differential parenting, where parents provide different treatment to each child.

Such differences in treatment do not always mean discrimination. In many cases, parents feel their actions are a form of fairness because they are tailoring support to each child's needs.

The problem is that what parents consider fair is not always felt as fair by the child.

The Child's Perspective: "Why Do They Always Get More?"

A child does not always know the reasons behind their parents' decisions.

What they see can be very simple: their older sibling gets more money, their younger sibling is praised more often, or another sibling is given more lenient rules.

This is where comparisons arise.

In family psychology, the perception of differential parental treatment is often discussed through the concept of Perceived Differential Treatment (PDT). This means the impact felt by the child is determined not only by what the parents actually do, but also by how the child interprets that treatment.

Parents may have reasonable justifications. However, if those reasons are not understood by the child, the difference in treatment can be interpreted as unfairness or even a sign that the parents love the other sibling more.

These feelings do not always stop in childhood. In certain conditions, the perception of being treated unfairly can affect self-esteem, trigger sibling rivalry sibling rivalry, and cause family relationships to become strained well into adulthood.

Parental Intent and the Child's Experience

This is the part that makes the issue of favoritism in the family complex.

Parents evaluate their actions based on intent. Children experience them based on impact.

Parents might say, "I gave more because your sibling is in need."

But for the child, what is seen might just be, "My sibling always gets more."

Parents look at the overall family situation, the needs of each child, and long-term consequences. Conversely, children more often understand the situation through the experiences occurring directly before them.

Therefore, the same action can produce two very different interpretations.

Numerous studies on parent-child relationships, including the work of Jill Suitor and Karl Pillemer on family dynamics, show that differential treatment is a phenomenon that can occur in family relationships. A child's perception of such favoritism is also a crucial part of understanding the quality of parent-child and sibling relationships.

This means the real issue is not just whether parents have a favorite child, but how each child understands the treatment they receive.

Fair Does Not Always Mean Equal

In a family, fairness does not always mean dividing everything in identical amounts.

If one child requires higher medical costs, it would be unreasonable for parents to provide the same amount of money to all children just to appear equal.

However, differences in treatment also require explanation.

A child who does not know the reasons behind parental decisions may fill that information gap with their own interpretations.

They might think they are less loved, less valued, or not as important as their siblings.

Therefore, fairness in the family is not just about what is given, but also how parents explain the reasons behind those decisions.

What Can Be Done?

Communication is a key to bridging the gap in perspectives between parents and children.

Parents can explain why a child receives more attention or assistance at a certain time. Simple explanations can help a child understand that different treatment does not always mean a difference in love.

On the other hand, parents also need to provide space for children to express their feelings.

When a child says, "I feel like Mom or Dad loves my sibling more," the first response does not have to be a denial.

Phrases like, "I understand why you might feel that way," can be the start of a much healthier conversation.

Validating a child's feelings does not mean admitting that their accusation is necessarily true. Validation means acknowledging that the emotional experience the child feels is real and deserves to be heard.

Such dialogues should not only occur when conflicts have escalated. Conversations regarding needs, attention, and sibling relationships can be held regularly.

The same applies when children have reached adulthood.

The pain of feeling differentiated in childhood can sometimes persist for years. If possible, discussing it openly with parents or siblings can help each party understand past events from a different perspective.

Ultimately, Love Also Needs to Be Visible

Not all different treatment is favoritism. Parents do need to adjust attention and support to the needs of each child.

However, good intentions alone are not always enough.

Children cannot read their parents' minds. They understand love through the experiences they feel, the words they hear, and the treatment they receive every day.

Therefore, the challenge for parents is not just to be fair, but to ensure that the reasons behind differences in treatment are understood by the child.

Because in a family, fairness does not always mean equality. But when things must be different, communication is the way to ensure that those differences are not interpreted as a lack of love.