When Affection Feels Unequal
"Why is my sibling allowed to do that, but I'm not?" or "Why am I the one getting blamed when my sibling made the mistake?" Questions like these may sound simple, but for some children, such experiences can leave them feeling undervalued. Within a family, differential treatment by parents often becomes a source of comparison that is not always visible to other family members.
Parents may feel they have given their best to each child. Older children are given greater responsibilities, while younger ones receive stricter supervision. However, what if one child interprets these differences as a sign that they are less loved?
This issue is important to discuss because sibling relationships are a part of the social environment that influences child development. McHale, Updegraff, and Whiteman (2012) explain that sibling relationships cannot be separated from the broader family dynamic.
Therefore, conflict between siblings is not always solely caused by differences in their personalities. The way parents interact with each child also deserves attention.
Different Treatment, Does It Mean Favoritism?
In family psychology, the difference in how parents treat their children is known as parental differential treatment (PDT). These differences can manifest in terms of affection, criticism, supervision, freedom, or material support.
Not all differences in treatment are problematic. A seven-year-old child certainly has different needs and limitations than their fifteen-year-old sibling. Granting more freedom to an older child can be a form of adjustment to their developmental stage, not proof that parents love them more.
This aligns with a meta-analysis by Jensen and colleagues (2023), which shows that age gaps and gender differences among siblings are related to parental differential treatment under certain conditions. One example is the granting of autonomy. This means that differential treatment can arise because children indeed have different developmental needs.
However, the issue becomes more complex when these differences are not understood as adjustments to needs, but rather as unfair treatment.
For example, when one child's achievements are always praised while their sibling's efforts are rarely appreciated; or when one child's mistakes are constantly remembered, while another's are easily forgiven.
Children do not only pay attention to what they receive, but also compare it to what their siblings receive. Such comparisons can influence how a child views themselves, their parents, and their relationship with their siblings.
From Comparison to Emotional Distance
What happens when a child constantly feels like they are the less prioritized one?
Research by Jensen and colleagues (2013) on 151 pairs of young adult siblings found that individuals who reported receiving less support compared to their siblings also reported higher symptoms of depression.
The study also found that greater parental differential treatment is associated with lower sibling intimacy.
These findings do not mean that every child who feels treated differently will inevitably experience depression or have a poor relationship with their sibling. However, the results indicate that the experience of how parents treat each child is linked to psychological well-being and the quality of family relationships.
Imagine two siblings who were initially supportive of each other. Over time, one feels constantly compared to the sibling deemed more successful. They then choose to stop sharing, become reluctant to ask for help, or view their sibling's achievements as a threat.
Meanwhile, the sibling perceived as more prioritized may also feel pressured to constantly meet parental expectations and feel the distance growing between them and their sibling.
This situation shows that differential treatment has the potential to affect not only the child who feels less prioritized. The dynamic can affect both siblings and how they build closeness.
A meta-analysis by Jensen and Thomsen (2024), which included 26,451 participants, also found a link between parental differential treatment and internalizing and externalizing behavior problems in children and adolescents.
Internalizing problems can include anxiety or symptoms of depression, while externalizing problems can include aggression and rule-breaking behavior.
Therefore, sibling conflict should not be immediately dismissed as ordinary bickering that will resolve itself.
It is advisable for parents to pay attention to the patterns of interaction and feelings developing among their children. Parents can also consider patterns of affection that meet each child's needs without inciting jealousy toward other siblings.
Understanding Families Through a Cultural Lens
From a multicultural psychology perspective, parental differential treatment also needs to be understood within the context of family values and customs.
Expectations for the eldest, youngest, male, or female child can vary, depending on the values held by the family and their social environment.
For example, in certain families, the eldest child is expected to help care for younger siblings and be a role model. The youngest child might receive more protection because they are considered not yet independent.
In other situations, a child viewed as high-achieving may receive more attention because academic success is considered important for the family's future.
Values of togetherness and responsibility among family members can be a strong source of support. However, if these expectations are applied without considering the individual needs of the child, some children may feel that they are only valued when they fulfill a certain role.
It is important not to generalize that all Indonesian families have the same parenting patterns.
The educational, social, cultural, economic, and belief backgrounds, as well as the experiences of each family, can shape different parenting practices. Therefore, understanding families requires openness to context, rather than simply judging a pattern as right or wrong.
A multicultural approach invites us to see that the meaning of fairness in a family is not always synonymous with giving exactly the same thing to every child.
What is more important is whether the differences have understandable reasons, whether each child's needs are still being met, and whether they feel valued as individuals.
How Can Parents Maintain Closeness Between Siblings?
There are several steps that can be taken to reduce the risk of differential treatment developing into competition that damages sibling relationships.
First, avoid comparing children as individuals.
Instead of saying, "Your sibling is smarter than you," parents can provide specific feedback on the efforts and progress of each child.
In this way, one child's achievement does not have to be a measure of another child's failure.
Second, explain the reasons behind different rules.
If an older sibling gets more freedom, parents can explain that this is related to age, readiness, and responsibility.
This explanation does not guarantee the child will always agree, but it opens an opportunity to understand the reasoning behind the parenting.
Third, provide space for each child to be heard.
Parents can ask, "When do you feel you are treated unfairly?" or "What makes you feel less noticed?"
Open-ended questions help parents understand the child's experience without immediately denying or justifying their perception.
Fourth, appreciate the uniqueness of each child.
Children do not have to receive identical forms of attention, but each needs to feel that they have a meaningful place in the family.
Parents can show affection in ways that are appropriate to the child's needs, age, and character.
Fair Does Not Always Mean Equal, but Every Child Needs to Be Valued
Sibling relationships are not formed in a vacuum. Within them are experiences of sharing, competition, comparison, and interaction with parents.
Differential treatment can be a reasonable form of adjustment, but it can also become a source of tension when a child constantly feels undervalued.
Therefore, the question that needs to be asked is not just whether parents have given the same things to all children, but whether each child receives attention and support appropriate to their needs and understands the reasons behind the differences.
Ultimately, families do not have to erase all differences to create a healthy relationship.
Families need to build a space that makes every child feel heard, valued, and accepted without having to defeat their sibling.
Because siblings should not grow up as competitors for affection, but as individuals who can develop together in a mutually supportive family environment.
References
Jensen, A. C., Jorgensen-Wells, M. A., Andrus, L. E., Pickett, J. M., Leiter, V. K., Hadlock, M. A. B., & Dayley, J. C. (2023). Sibling differences and parents’ differential treatment of siblings: A multilevel meta-analysis. Developmental Psychology, 59(4), 644–654. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001406
Jensen, A. C., & Thomsen, A. E. (2024). Parental differential treatment of siblings linked with internalizing and externalizing behavior: A meta-analysis. Child Development, 95(4), 1384–1405. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.14091
Jensen, A. C., Whiteman, S. D., Fingerman, K. L., & Birditt, K. S. (2013). “Life still isn’t fair”: Parental differential treatment of young adult siblings. Journal of Marriage and Family, 75(2), 438–452. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12002
McHale, S. M., Updegraff, K. A., & Whiteman, S. D. (2012). Sibling relationships and influences in childhood and adolescence. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(5), 913–930. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.01011.x
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